Churchillan and other types of beggars

The Churchillian Beggar: Winston Churchill once said, "Never, never, never, never, ever give up." Well, this species of beggars have taken his advice to heart. They are often spotted at traffic signals. Once they sight you on their radar, they home in on you. Tactics like rolling down the window of your Corolla, turning a deaf ear, threats, or apologising for lack of change doesn't work with these doughty scroungers. They never take "no" for an answer. Their brilliance lies in their dogged determination; their single-mindedness. Though they may see richer, more gullible clients whilst they're spouting tales of woe and untold misery to you, they won't move on. It's you they want and it's you they'll get. Real professionals.

The English Beggar: This elderly gentleman, with hair graying in a distinguished fashion, speaks fluent English. He is clean and well-dressed and he is not asking you for alms. Noooooo! It’s just that "he has lost his wallet and needs 10 bucks for the bus fare to get back home". Or he has been "thrown out of his house by his cruel daughter-in-law and hasn't eaten a morsel in three days."

The Part-Time Beggar: He is normally a vagabond or a good-for-nothing who spreads out his palms just for the heck of it. If you dole out a few paise, okay. Or you can ignore him, but he is too lazy to pester you like his Churchillian brethren.

The Guilt-Inducing Beggar: This breed's usual habitat is the ice-cream parlour. Just as you are about to bite into a delicious Chocolate Chips cone, the pathetic face of an emaciated woman comes into your line of vision. She has an even more painfully thin child in tow. Silently, she stretches out her hand. Words are needless. The message is clear: "You are rich; we are poor. While you're gorging on ice-creams, my poor child with a perpetual nasal-drip is starving. What does the still small voice within you say?" It says pull out the wallet and hand over a rupee or two.

The Spiritual Beggar: Members of this tribe move around with pictures of a god or saint. They will bless you with eternal peace, happiness, wealth and health. But only if you "donate" a small part of your earnings to the Creator. After all, it's because of His grace that you are whizzing around town in a Zen.

The Clapping Beggar: He or she (one can't be too sure) claps a lot. Threatens you with curses if you don't cough up 10 bucks or more. Or worse, terrorizes you by lifting his or her sari if his or her demands are not met.

The Self-Respecting Beggar: He is a man of honour. You can't insult him by simply doling out a measly rupee. He will fling it into your face. After all, the vada-pav he wants costs three bucks.

The True Beggar: He sports white khadi outfits. Visits you every five years with ridiculous promises. Nowadays, he is likely to badger you more often. Ever since the trend of midterm and mid-midterm polls has caught on.

by Sunil Shibad

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